I Want My Butt Back!

Joni Mitchell pegged it when she wrote, “you don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone.” Take for example the butt, yep, your backside.

Do you complain that it’s too big, too long or too flabby? Do you curse those little ripples of cellulite and dutifully perform squats hoping to transform its shape?

Or maybe you actually like your glutes, and by all accounts you most definitely should; without them you’d be roaming around on all fours. But beyond its anatomical purpose, our butt deserves our love and respect. In fact, each and every day you should be singing its praise no matter what kind of shape you perceive it to be in. At least you have one!

I recently lost my ass, as in literally, not figuratively. A personal crisis sent my nerves into overdrive and before I knew it I’d lost ten pounds, nine of which must have been stored in my ass. It’s now flat as a pancake, and let me tell you, I miss those pounds — a lot.

That badonkadonk does more than make you look good in your jeans; it actually helps to hold the damn things up! With no curves to cling to, the fabric begins a slow migration south, so most of my day is spent pulling up the crouch of my pants from hanging halfway down to my knees.

Skirts are no better. When you lack a booty even the pencil variety fails to flatter. If I could rotate my head like an owl, you’d never know if I was coming or going!

Sitting is problematic also. Without that proverbial junk in the trunk, I squirm around in my chair like a five year old, switching from cheek to cheek, trying unsuccessfully to gain a comfortable purchase.

And it wasn’t just fat I lost, but hard-earned muscle, too! I could just weep.

It’ll take some time, but when I get my booty back I promise to never again make discourteous remarks about it or any other perfectly functioning body part. Compared to what I’ve got going on now, it was a thing of beauty.

Name your least favorite body part and then tell us something good about it. —Karen