When Being a New Mom Beats You Up and Wears You Down
Exhausted much? Credit: footloosiety
A Big Adjustment
My best friend had her first baby four months before me. And she seems to be so happy being a mom. All of my friends with kids seem to really enjoy it. What is wrong with me that I’m not feeling like that? I also have friends who are struggling with fertility issues, and I feel even more guilty for not relishing in every moment I am blessed enough to be a mother. And I think of all those women who are dealing with colicky babies, or babies with serious medical issues, and those moms who are doing it with less support and fewer resources than me, and I feel like I have no right to feel so down.
I feel like parenthood is more than I signed up for. Ever since our little boy was born 11 weeks ago, I have been tired, stressed out, worried, anxious and frustrated. I feel like I’m doing something, or maybe everything, wrong. Every other mom seems to have it together. They all say things like, “It’s hard work, but it’s so worth it!” And I feel terrible for not feeling like it’s worth it. I feel terrible for missing my old life. I feel terrible for looking forward to going back to work to escape for a while.
As all these thoughts crash around in my head, taking up so much room that I can’t think of one positive thing. I just cry. My husband is trying to be supportive and encouraging, but everything he says seems condescending or wrong. And he takes the baby to give me a break, and the baby stops crying. And that makes me cry harder. And it feels like nothing will ever get better. That I’ve jumped in way over my head and that I’m not cut out to be a mom and that because of this, I will cause permanent psychological harm to my child and myself. I looked up at my husband as he tried to hug me while holding the baby and said, “I think I’m depressed.”
That’s how I felt last weekend. I think I cried ten times in two days.
Luckily, I have a lot of support. I have a fantastic husband who does more than his fair share to try to lessen my burden. I have a sister who lives in town who also happens to be a social worker and therapist who knows all sorts of great coping strategies. I have fantastic friends and family who I know will be there when I need them. And also luckily, I knew to be on the look-out for symptoms of depression. There’s some family history of it. So I was able to recognize it before it got so bad that I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning or, even worse, had thoughts of hurting myself or my baby.
Comments
This story rang so true to me. When I first brought my son home (he’s now 8 months old) I didn’t feel like anything had changed, like I was babysitting and the rightful owner of this tiny bundle would be back in no time. I’m a single mother with no support from the “father” and I absolutely refeused to ask my parents for help because I wanted them to enjoy being grandparents. (Little did I know thwy actually wanted to do those things.) Though the depression has subsided a little I still find myself curled up in a ball or tears for no apparent reason (but I’be dealt with depression since I was a child) but as time goes by and I have learned to manage my son, job search, and household duties and it makes life easier. I don’t know how single parents find time to date though. Haha!
I felt many of the same things after having my son (he’s now 18 months). I had trouble with nursing, but felt like a bad mother because he wasn’t gaining weight. I thought if I supplemented with formula I would be a failure. No matter what you have to do with your baby, he will survive and love you just the same. I had a C-section as well and I am still not able to fit into pre-pregnancy clothes. It’s been hard to accept that my body has changed and won’t ever look the same as it did before. Hopefully it helps to know you aren’t the only one going through this. I admire you for sharing!
Jessica, you are doing a great job! Look at you – you even managed to write about it! My kids are 6 1/2 and 4 now, and it is SO MUCH EASIER. Which isn’t to say that I don’t consider giving them up for adoption now and then…And I am totally one of those moms who looks like I have it all together. Seriously. You would have no idea how I do it. Which really just means that I’m good at hiding how hard it is sometimes. Also, props for having a great husband. Mine tried, but he really was quite clueless (and was working on his Master’s while working full time for the first birth and had just started a new job for the second). I almost hated him for a solid year with each kid. Just because he was getting sleep and didn’t get how underwater I was. But we’re back to floating again and it really is lovely.
Thanks for the comments. It’s amazing how even a few weeks later, things already seem a bit easier than they did when I wrote this. It’s easy to see how quickly we forget the hardest parts–which is probably one of the reasons experienced moms don’t warn us new moms about how hard it is–they don’t remember! JennMarie, props to you for doing this as a single mom. I often think about how I absolutely don’t know how I’d function without the help from my husband. I get not wanting to seem to your parents like you can’t do it all on your own, but my advice is to take whatever help you can get from whomever you can get it from! Raising a kid is supposed to take a village–I don’t think we’re meant to do it on our own. Kathy, I’m starting to realize that even if I figure out how to get back in shape, it won’t be the same shape. I have to remind myself of the amazing thing my body did–grow another human!–and give myself a break for not fitting into the old clothes. Kristen, thanks for the perspective from a few years down the road! I’m definitely looking forward to the years where I can actually talk with my son and share activities with him!
I can totally relate and this is my third.
It’s 2 a.m. where I am, and reading this has made my night/morning. I feel the same way about the weight, the non social life and the random bits of crying. Only I also have to deal with a terrible two almost three year old. Thanks so much for putting it into words. I’m also glad I’m not the only one 🙂
Story of my life!!! But I must add mine was a preterm labor, i have a 3 year old toddler, my husband was away in police training academy while I stayed in a shelter for parents with babies in the NICU with alot of people I didn’t know until he came on the weekends. Now my son is 11months and on a 4 month old level developmentally and im pregnant again (this was totally unplanned) and I just want to break down and cry right now idk how im going to do it
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