When Being a New Mom Beats You Up and Wears You Down
Adjusting to motherhood is a step-by-step process. Credit: Michael Melchiorre
Starting to Cope
Here’s how I’m coping. First, saying it out loud to my husband brought some immediate relief. It was out there and named. I would never blame or criticize another person for suffering from postpartum depression, so why would I criticize or blame myself? It is a real thing that has to be dealt with. Identifying that I was having depressive feelings forced me to recognize that while those feelings were grounded in reality (my clothes really don’t fit, my baby really is screaming, the house really is a mess, etc.), my perception of my situation was not, and still is not, entirely rational. I had to admit to myself that these things are not the end of the world.
Second, I made myself recognize that things will not be like this forever. I will not always be breastfeeding and unable to leave my baby for more than two hours without a pump in tow. My baby will eventually get older and be able to communicate his needs better. The house will be cleaned up when we get to it. I will eventually lose this weight and be back into my old clothes. I will someday have a social life again.
Third, I had this realization that I don’t really know what other mothers are going through. Just because they seem to be put together and happy with their babies doesn’t mean they aren’t at home sobbing just like me. I asked myself how everyone else perceives me, and I would guess that they think I’m put together, have a happy baby and am ecstatic to be a new mommy. Why? Because that’s what I show them, of course. When people ask me how I’m doing, I may admit to being tired or jokingly say that I have no idea what I’m doing. But it’s always followed up with how grateful we are to have a mostly happy healthy kid, and how cute it is when he smiles, and how nice it is to just snuggle him as he sleeps on my chest. All those things are true, of course, but those moments don’t come close to describing how I feel most of the time. But if I’m painting such a rosy picture of what I’m experiencing, why wouldn’t I think that everyone else does the same thing? I’m sure there are moms who genuinely feel happy to be a mom every day, and who rarely have the moments of despair that I do. But I’m guessing there are also plenty of mamas out there who feel just as overwhelmed as me. We just don’t admit it to each other.
I’m not saying that these three realizations alone have lifted the black cloud. I’m not suddenly thrilled with my new lifestyle or magically more appreciative of being a mother. But these thoughts do help me get through the day. And for now, that’s all I need to do—just get through the day. And eventually I’ll get through enough days that this rough patch will be in my past, and the love I have for my baby will feel like more of a joy than a burden.
Have you struggled adjusting to motherhood? —Jessica
Comments
This story rang so true to me. When I first brought my son home (he’s now 8 months old) I didn’t feel like anything had changed, like I was babysitting and the rightful owner of this tiny bundle would be back in no time. I’m a single mother with no support from the “father” and I absolutely refeused to ask my parents for help because I wanted them to enjoy being grandparents. (Little did I know thwy actually wanted to do those things.) Though the depression has subsided a little I still find myself curled up in a ball or tears for no apparent reason (but I’be dealt with depression since I was a child) but as time goes by and I have learned to manage my son, job search, and household duties and it makes life easier. I don’t know how single parents find time to date though. Haha!
I felt many of the same things after having my son (he’s now 18 months). I had trouble with nursing, but felt like a bad mother because he wasn’t gaining weight. I thought if I supplemented with formula I would be a failure. No matter what you have to do with your baby, he will survive and love you just the same. I had a C-section as well and I am still not able to fit into pre-pregnancy clothes. It’s been hard to accept that my body has changed and won’t ever look the same as it did before. Hopefully it helps to know you aren’t the only one going through this. I admire you for sharing!
Jessica, you are doing a great job! Look at you – you even managed to write about it! My kids are 6 1/2 and 4 now, and it is SO MUCH EASIER. Which isn’t to say that I don’t consider giving them up for adoption now and then…And I am totally one of those moms who looks like I have it all together. Seriously. You would have no idea how I do it. Which really just means that I’m good at hiding how hard it is sometimes. Also, props for having a great husband. Mine tried, but he really was quite clueless (and was working on his Master’s while working full time for the first birth and had just started a new job for the second). I almost hated him for a solid year with each kid. Just because he was getting sleep and didn’t get how underwater I was. But we’re back to floating again and it really is lovely.
Thanks for the comments. It’s amazing how even a few weeks later, things already seem a bit easier than they did when I wrote this. It’s easy to see how quickly we forget the hardest parts–which is probably one of the reasons experienced moms don’t warn us new moms about how hard it is–they don’t remember! JennMarie, props to you for doing this as a single mom. I often think about how I absolutely don’t know how I’d function without the help from my husband. I get not wanting to seem to your parents like you can’t do it all on your own, but my advice is to take whatever help you can get from whomever you can get it from! Raising a kid is supposed to take a village–I don’t think we’re meant to do it on our own. Kathy, I’m starting to realize that even if I figure out how to get back in shape, it won’t be the same shape. I have to remind myself of the amazing thing my body did–grow another human!–and give myself a break for not fitting into the old clothes. Kristen, thanks for the perspective from a few years down the road! I’m definitely looking forward to the years where I can actually talk with my son and share activities with him!
I can totally relate and this is my third.
It’s 2 a.m. where I am, and reading this has made my night/morning. I feel the same way about the weight, the non social life and the random bits of crying. Only I also have to deal with a terrible two almost three year old. Thanks so much for putting it into words. I’m also glad I’m not the only one 🙂
Story of my life!!! But I must add mine was a preterm labor, i have a 3 year old toddler, my husband was away in police training academy while I stayed in a shelter for parents with babies in the NICU with alot of people I didn’t know until he came on the weekends. Now my son is 11months and on a 4 month old level developmentally and im pregnant again (this was totally unplanned) and I just want to break down and cry right now idk how im going to do it
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