From Full Buffalo to Dazed, Confused and Wandering Buffalo

This is how me and my eggs feel: confused, cracked and slightly bitter. Credit: Nina Matthews Photography

Here’s one general thing that you should know about anyone going through fertility treatments: They will change their minds. About a million times. Here’s why: I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve faced more decisions without a real clue as to what to do. Take fertility enhancing drugs? Try acupuncture? Cut back at the gym? Try an IUI? Do six IUIs? Go for IVF? Order supplements? Buy another book? Swear off all coffee and alcohol? Imbibe on all and let Mother Nature do her own thing? My GOD there are a lot of choices. And truth be told, there’s no guidebook. No guidebook at all. Because everyone’s journey—and bodies—are just a little bit different.

After my pumped-up “we’re going full buffalo!” post from two months ago, I have to say my tune has changed from go-get-’em to WTF. Because frankly, I have no idea what I’m doing or what to do. And sometimes, when I sit back and look at the mothers and pregnant women around me (And they’re always around me. Last week I was in Trader Joe’s when three out of five people in the store, including myself, were pregnant. Seriously.), I just can’t help but to ask, “Why me?” I feel like I’ve done the soul-searching and hard months. I feel like I’ve learned lessons and even somehow found a way to not be too obsessive about the whole thing. But when you get your period (or are surrounded at every turn by bumps and toddlers), just how do you go about not thinking about it? And, again, wonder: “Why me? Why is this so hard?”

So month to month, I change my mind. I go full buffalo, only to take a cycle off entirely, reveling in the break from the doctor’s appointments, decisions and reality that after 12+ months, I’m still not pregnant. Then, as much as I try to push it away or ignore it, that nagging, persistent call to have a baby creeps up again from the deepest parts of my soul. It somehow gives me the courage to yet again make an appointment (or 12) to give it another go. Cue another round of pills, a trigger shot and the cautious hope that maybe, maybe this will be our month.

But is this the right way to go about it? Should I change doctors? See an acupuncturist? Give “trying” up all together? Look into adoption? I wish I had answers. But the logical part of my brain and my heart are having a battle month after month, and the result? A dazed, confused half buffalo wondering around trying to do her best. Trying to accept what is. Trying to listen for the slightest bit of a whisper as to what feels right…but unable to hear over the buffalo’s plodding steps. And so I wander. And wait. And try this and then that. I hope. I pray. I think positive thoughts. And then wait some more. For some kind of clarity. For some kind of SOMETHING.

If you are struggling with fertility or have in the past, how did you go about knowing what treatments and options to try? Did your gut tell you? Or did wander about like I am, just waiting for a sign? —Jenn