Today, I Choose Selfishness

I wrote this while sitting at the airport on my way to visit my ailing grandfather. Struck with a wave of emotions, this is new and uncharted territory for me. For those in similar situations, I’m sharing it today.

Selfishness is often frowned upon. It is defined as having concern or care for only oneself. We typically frown upon the selfish acts of others. In fact, the majority of people base friendships around the selflessness of characters.

But today, I choose selfishness. Today, I want to go inside my inner little girl and stay there. Inside this place, the world is just right. Friends are forever, and family is always there. There is nothing scary in my little girl world — well, aside from spiders and the boogeyman in the closet. I chose this moment in time because, as a little girl, being naive is acceptable and even welcomed. Adulting isn’t easy, especially when faced with big-girl realities.

I recently took an unexpected quick trip home at the suggestion of family members. I did it for “time.” Time is another concept that my little girl world doesn’t quite comprehend. What is time? Time, as a little girl, is referenced as “5 more minutes, honey” or “when the timer goes off it’s your friend’s turn.”

With adulting, time is precious. Time isn’t a countdown, there’s no buzzer, time doesn’t stand still. Time is a gift. Time is invaluable and time is something you don’t get back.

I grew up in the same state as my entire family, and was raised within minutes of accessibility to grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Time was never a consideration until my adulthood. Now, I travel for time.

In this moment, I want more of it. I want fewer phone calls and more time. I want to press pause and take time to appreciate more thoroughly what I had in my childhood and fight for it less at this stage in my life. I want to fly home to hug and kiss, rather than to sit and weep. I want to worry less and laugh a little more.

So, today I choose to be selfish. I chose to have more time. I chose to freeze it for my own personal reasons. Today, I want to go back to my little girl world and have trips to visit my grandparents — to hop in Grandpa’s plane and fly to Mackinaw Island. I want time for a drive to the bowling alley for a burger and milkshake.

I don’t ask for much. I can pass on the burgers if necessary. All I ask for is a little more time. —Jennifer