Want to find the perfect mate to put a ring on it?
Today, we’ve got tips from Venus Rouhani, renowned psychotherapist and author of The No-No List: How to Spot Mr. Wrong So You Can Find Mr. Right, whose approach to relationship counseling emphasizes the importance of using the rational mind to guide the desires of the heart. Which we totally dig. After all, choosing the right partner is about attraction, but it’s also about honest and true connection …
5 Tips for Choosing the Right Partner By Venus Rouhani
You are young, full of life, and, naturally, you want to be happy. We are social animals and a key element of being happy is having great relationships with friends, parents, relatives, and last but not least, our significant other. But how can we know if a potential significant other is the right person? Here are five tips for choosing the right partner.
1. Don’t go just by what you like in a person. It is also important to know what you do not want in a partner. This may sound counterintuitive, as young women might say they want someone who is funny, handsome, athletic and who also likes to dance, and treats them with respect. If you have not experienced it yet, you will soon realize that many times, the person who initially attracted you with such qualities will frequently cause you heartbreak or make your life miserable once those initial sparks are gone. Yes, he is still handsome, he still likes to dance and still has a great sense of humor, yet you find yourselves always fighting and mad at each other.
This same funny, athletic guy may now expect you to let him know where you are at all times of the day. He may even expect you to spend any free time you have with him, and you find you don’t have a moment to yourself or to spend with your friends. You now feel smothered by the same man with all the traits that you wanted.
2. Make a list of the qualities that you cannot tolerate in a partner and continue to define and elaborate on them as you grow older and gain more experience in life. Your list may include terms like controlling, needy, mama’s boy, Mr. Know-it-all, irritable and so on. I call this your No-No List. It is important to know that your definition of needy can be very different from another person’s. Or, what you consider controlling or smothering, another woman may see as a sign of intense love.
3. Weed out potential candidates that match your No-No List. Do this before you look at what you like in them and definitely before you start dating them.
4. Know and accept yourself and do not pretend to be someone you are not. If you pretend to be someone you’re not, you’ll always end up with the wrong person. That person may be a good match for who you are trying to be, but not who you are.
Developing your No-No List will actually help you understand yourself better. For example, your list may include: “I don’t want someone who doesn’t trust me.” Defining what you consider trust may reveal to you that you value independence and want to express your individuality and thus, you won’t be able to tolerate an insecure mate.
5. Don’t assume that love will fix everything. Your early infatuation with a new lover will inevitably fade and as time goes on problems between you will become more profound. Don’t expect people to change for you and don’t try to change your core character for others. I am not talking about personal growth and improvement. I am talking about changing the fundamental fabric of who you are. Trying to change an introvert into being an extrovert is a recipe for disaster and unhappiness. You can pretend only for so long and eventually the real you will realize how unhappy you become when you admit to yourself you don’t really enjoy outdoor activities but find you are forced to spend all your leisure time hiking and skiing to please someone else.
In short, create your No-No List and refine it as you go through your journey in life. Learn who you are, accept yourself, and don’t pretend to be someone you are not. Eliminate the potential partners who have qualities matching your No-No List before thinking about what you like in them and before you begin dating them. Take this quiz to see how your approach to dating measures up.
What’s on your No-No List? —Venus Rouhani