Don’t Say This to a Twin Mom…
This week we’re celebrating moms of multiples with special twin content! To see all of our Twin Week content, click here.
Being pregnant tends to draw comments from strangers. Sure, sometimes they’re nice, letting you move up the line in the bathroom or letting you jump ahead in the cab line (yay for a recent kind soul in NYC!). But sometimes they’re all judgey and overly personal. Having a child also opens the door to fun conversations, like when people had me freaked that my daughter was uncomfortable in her carrier. People are generally well-meaning, but sometimes an exhausted mom just doesn’t want to hear about how someone else’s freak baby slept through the night at two weeks old.
But even if you’re the queen recipient of stranger comments, I can pretty much guarantee a twin mom has heard it all—and then some. If a single kiddo grabs the attention of strangers who will reach out and squeeze cheeks during cold and flu season, you know that two adorable babies will bring double the stranger love. I was actually at Home Depot one day, loading my daughter into the cart to go inside when I saw a dad loading up two infants into a cart. Being friendly, I said, “You’ve got your hands full!” And then I immediately smacked myself because I knew that he probably heard that all the time. Like I hear that I’m “not in Kansas anymore” whenever I say where I’m from originally. I immediately asked my twin-mom neighbor about the comments that annoy her, and yep, that’s one of them! Oops. So for the sanity of twin moms everywhere, I polled some moms of multiples for things not to say to a twin mom.
Avoid Saying This to a Twin Mom
Courtesy of Jennifer P., mom of 18-month-old identical twin boys
Oh my GOD, twins?! How are you going to manage that? I have two arms and two legs, and I manage 25 children at a time at work. Why is this so difficult? Besides, I’ve never had one baby, so two isn’t that hard to me.
Do you know how expensive diapers and formula are? Yes, just as expensive for everyone else. They don’t charge extra for twins.
Did you have in vitro? Not all twins are born this way, and I don’t like that people think in vitro is taboo.
Do you ever sleep? Uh yes! Do you? I hate the idea that two children means I am a zombie.
Are you going to have more children? Asked as if one is judging, too personal for me!
Courtesy of Rachel B., mom of 4-year-old fraternal girls
Could do without: Double trouble. Can respond with “Double blessings!”
Margie, mom of 16-month-old boy/girl twins and my dear neighbor
And Things You Probably Shouldn’t Say to Pregnant Women in General
- When are you due? There’s always that possibility that the woman is not actually pregnant. Or just delivered her baby.
- Is it twins? What are you implying?
- Are you sure it’s not triplets? That’s just what a twin mom wants to hear!
- You must be due any day! I’ve actually got 8 weeks to go. But thanks for the implication that I’m huge!
- Here’s my pregnancy/labor/delivery/recovery/breastfeeding/sleep deprivation horror story. Pregnant women are worried enough!
What twin comments annoyed you? And what should just be off limits when talking to moms and moms-to-be? —Erin
Comments
When I was pregnant over last summer we were staying in a hotel and this random woman opened her big mouth while we were waiting for an elevator and just would not quit, went a little something like this…
Her: Oh wow, you must be due any day…twins? (mind you I still have another month or so to go)
Me: No, haha, not twins
Her: Oh, a boy?
Me: Nope, we’re having a girl.
Her: Oh wow, she is going to be a big one.
My husband and I just kept looking at each other and smiling, but when we finally got out of said uncomfortable situation I could not believe how far her foot was in her mouth, I mean people just have no filter whatsoever around pregnant women haha.
Katie – HA! Makes you want to carry a game show buzzer around so you can push it when people are wrong. (Although she still may not have gotten the hint!)
-FBM Erin
6. Which one is the boy?? When you clearly have 2 girls. I love putting pink dresses and bonnets on my boys.
7. When they get a little older— which one is the smart one? I don’t know, which one of your kids is the idiot??
8. Who was born first? Does it matter???
9. Who is the leader or who is the bossy one? Many twins are equal partners- don’t put labels on, they may stick.
10. What kind of fertility drugs did you use?? Uh… A. none of your business B. None!! Not all multiples are the results of infertility.
I think people are still just so fascinated with twins that they ask a lot of questions. Twins are an enigma. I know; I am a 43 year old identical twin. My mom and my twin and I have been asked every seemingly dumb question in the book, but you know what? We love it. People are genuinely interested. Especially those who are not twins or don’t have twins in their immediate family. We learned early on not to be annoyed by it but to take it for what it was – interest in the special people that twins and moms of twins are.
I don’t know how my Mom handled two sets of twins plus a bunch of us singletons- while working in the family business. 1 set and two singles in diapers at the same time.
family lore is that my oldest brother called the first set Two – ones instead of fwins. And my sister has been asked when she said she had a twin brother, “are you identical?”
The two worst comments I had were: 1) twice the cost – cars, prom, etc.; 2) it gets easier. The last one was from a twin mom. Her twins were toddlers while mine were newborn. I’ve always wanted to go back to her and say “No it doesn’t. The issues just change over time.”
Great article!!! I have 7 year old boy-girl twins. It’s funny, it depends who says those things. If an old person in a store says “your hands are full” it’s sweet – if it’s a younger person with no kids it’s annoying. Strange, but true. The worst: “are they identical” no! they are a BOY and a GIRL and then often, “are you sure, you can have them tested”. Pretty sure I don’t need a blood test for that! And “wow, a boy and a girl – so you’re done – that’s great!”. I wanted a bunch of kids, I’ve been pregnant 1x, but because I have “one of each” I feel socially pressured to be “done”. Once, in a pizza place the owner came out and was super sweet to my kids, then, as she walked away she leaned over to me and said “if I had twins I would have committed suicide”. Well, at least she was nice to us – lots of restaurants see us coming and shudder. Truthfully, my twins are well behaved and we always clean up after ourselves! But if you look at us crossways your tip will be effected! A waitress once openly complained that she got our table – before we had even ordered!!! The end of your article is right on – I’m pretty easy going but stories about how you were pregnant with twins then one or both died – or they were born and then one died tragically…not comforting to a pregnant mom AT ALL! The reality of being pregnant is tenuous enough – everyone has those dark thoughts of what could happen, you don’t need to share your horror stories! My grandmother had several sets of twins in the 1940s, none of them survived…yes twins run in my family, but there are none to show for it, please don’t bring it up!
I almost forgot! The odd and insensitive questions about how you ended up with twins don’t stop when you walk through the door of the OBGYN…one of the doctors in the practice asked what fertility drugs we had been on…and if we were having twins now because I was getting older. I was only 29…and I had never been there before, so they didn’t have me on anything! Weird!
Unique article. I have a blog about twins also and this article is inspired me a lot.. Thanks so much.
When we announced we were having twins my sister in law exclaimed “that’s horrible!” Like really! Why would you say that?! Yes it is going to be difficult especially because our oldest will be about 19 months when the twins are born but I would never say horrible! Ugh she is falling into last place on my favorite in law list?
I have identical tin boys -4 months- and the number one comment I receive every time is “Oh my. Are they twins?” I just think in my head “no the hospital was having a two for one sale” or “no there’s only one, you are just seeing double,” but no matter what I’m always respectful and just nod my head and say yes.
I love this! I’ll probably come off as mean but this comment is just in the spirit of the post, I don’t sneer at people who acknowledge my sons!
My boys are 8 months old and identical so my personal least favorite comment/question is “Do twins run in the family?” This only applies to fraternal twins because identical twins are a random occurrence with the egg splitting and all and fraternal twins have to do with fertility of the mother (mind you that means twins being in the father’s family will NEVER matter). I know that isn’t very common knowledge, I didn’t know that myself until I had identical twins, but that is always someone’s first question. Why is THAT the thing everyone thinks of first, even if it did apply? What does it matter? They are here now!
Then people INSIST I must have twins in the family somewhere (which I do, one FRATERNAL pair) and THAT is the reason I had twins. Like they have to figure out the exact reason my body decided to produce two babies at once and all I’m trying to do is finish grocery shopping before they start screaming.
I love the attention they get, don’t get me wrong, any mother loves talking about her children, but it would be nice to leave the house at least once without “Huh, twins!” Thanks, I had no idea I had twins! I thought I pushed out one baby that was cut in half!
My favorite is meeting moms of twins. I ended up talking to one who had 16 year old fraternal boys for almost an hour at a park because she was spitting so much advice and she was enjoy the nostalgia from when hers were little. I don’t mind the “my cousin’s sister’s dog is a twin too!” comments either because twins have always fascinated me (I always wanted identical twins ironically) so I don’t mind talking about them personally.
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