You Might Be A Parent of a Newborn If …

One day Jenn and I started going back and forth, finishing the phrase “You might be a parent of a newborn if …” She’d say one thing, I’d respond with an enthusiastic “YES!” and then it’d be my turn. It went from a few funny back and forths to a massive list when we couldn’t quit. See if you can relate to any of them. Moms-to-be: Here’s a peek into your future!

You Might Be A Parent of a Newborn If …

1. You have multiple pacifiers in every pocket of every jacket you own/every room of your house.
2. You bought a million pacifiers and there are none anywhere.
3. You know where every creak in your floorboards is.
4. You have white noise going at all times.
5. You’ve mastered the art of walking on your tip toes.
6. You hate when FedEx arrives.
7. Your eyes hurt.
8. You panic when you go out and forget Sophie.
9. Getting out of the house seems like an Olympic accomplishment.
10. You cringe when someone mows their lawn.
11. You’ve gotten to be a pro at silently chastising the dog for barking. THE LOOK speaks volumes.
12. You have an Amazon Prime subscription for diapers and coffee.
13. You consider scrambled eggs and toast to be a “fancy dinner.”
14. You fantasize about going naked … so there will be less laundry.
15. You’ve mastered the art of doing everything one-handed.
16. Your house is overrun with places to put/soothe/entertain the baby.
17. Going without a shower becomes the norm.
18. You get spit-up on yourself and don’t change right away because it’ll just happen again later.
19. You doodle coffee mugs surrounded by hearts.
20. Fantasies involve uninterrupted sleep.
21. You now consider 10 p.m. to be “late.”
22. You now consider 6:30 a.m. to be “sleeping in.”
23. You consider taking a shower “me time,” the ultimate luxury.
24. You can tell the difference between a baby fart and more legitimate action.
25. You say boob a lot.
26. You say poop a lot.
27. You say peek-a-boo a lot.
28. There are just really a lot more “ooh” words.
29. You have a sixth sense about when the Sleep Sheep is about to go off.
30. You don’t hesitate to head out to Babies R Us at 8:30 on a Tuesday because of that one item that just might soothe your baby.
31. You’ve held a child while going to the bathroom.
32. You’ve stuck a leg out of the shower to bounce the bouncer.
33. You’ve only shaved one leg.
34. You’ve only painted five fingernails.
35. You’ve gotten a workout simply bouncing just right with the baby in hand.
36. You now consider sleeping through the night to be six hours.
37. You may have flashed the neighbors some boob through an open window.
38. You’ve mastered the art of lip reading because that’s the only way you and your husband communicate once the baby is down.
39. You literally hold your breath when you hear the baby grumble because you hope she’ll go back to sleep.
40. You don’t remember if you brushed your teeth — or it’s 2 p.m. when you finally get around to it.
41. You spill coffee on yourself juggling the baby but it doesn’t matter because it’s cold anyway and your shirt has spit up on it.
42. You diagnose yourself with ADD because you’re not used to having uninterrupted time to get anything done so when you do it’s too weird to be produ–Oh hey a BuzzFeed listicle!
43. Reading novels before bed has been replaced with late-night Google sessions starting with the phrase “is it normal that my baby …” ( … poops a lot/doesn’t poop/pees constantly/pees when the diaper comes off/smiles too much/never smiles/sleeps too much/doesn’t sleep/hates me)
44. You can get binky to baby’s mouth one-handed in the dark.
45. You’ve gotten really good at maneuvering in the dark so as to not stub your toes or gash your shins.
46. You stub your toes and gash your shins in the dark.
47. You’ve stood anywhere with your eyes closed.
48. You’ve called your significant other “daddy” — and meant it literally, not sexually.
49. You can’t imagine your life any other way.
50. Your coherent ability have to thought destroyed finish anything.

What would you add? —Erin & Jenn