Doing the Detox Without the Denial—Or Not

Dr. Oz’s Two-Day Cleanse was appealing as heck. It could be because the word “detox” is the new hotness in buzz words, but lately, all I’ve been able to think about it is whether or not the toxins in my bawd need to be purged—much like my closet around spring-cleaning time.

Living in Los Angeles, I’m constantly hearing people talking about the latest juice cleanse they’ve done to drop pounds and all that hoo-haw. I have never wanted to do that. I personally would go crazy if I could only drink my foods (like poor Kristen has had to do lately!). That’s why I was so intrigued by Dr. Oz’s take on a cleanse. According to the wise one, a cleanse shouldn’t be about losing 20 pounds in a week by robbing yourself of crucial nutrients and calories. Instead, a cleanse should be something you practice when you want to cleanse your body of toxins. His cleanse involves eating whole foods that are packed with nutrients believed to boost the activity of the enzymes and nourish the body’s most important detoxifying organs—the liver, the lungs, the kidneys and the colon—so that they can do their jobs better and more efficiently.

I was immediately intrigued, so I set a date. I’d start my two-day cleanse on a Monday, and life would be better and toxin-free. If only it were that easy…

First of all, I chose to start the Dr. Oz detox on my Alma Mater’s basketball championship game night. I went to the KU watch-party bar where all my lovelies were camping out to watch and sat twitching silently as  french fries, beers and brownies floated passed my line of sight. Cruel—and then some. I made it through the game without faltering, but, man, was it hard! I came home from the game and ate my Dr. Oz’s Two-Day Cleanse cabbage soup and just about cried myself to sleep. I swear I’ll never look at the stuff (or fennel) the same way again.

The next morning, I was crabbier than crabby, weak and obsessed with food—and I mean OBSESSED. It’s all I could think about. I’ve never felt more neurotic. That was the point I started cussing out the good doctor. “Without deprivation,” my ass! There was hardly any protein in the mix (chia seeds for lunch were not enough!), so I was left feeling gassy, grumpy and  hungry.

For the two days I was on the Dr. Oz detox, I had a specific eating plan I had to follow. Each day, I had the same breakfast, snack, lunch, dinner and diva time. The below is my mini journal of each meal…

Gist of the Dr. Oz Detox Meals

Breakfast, Quinoa with Prunes: I couldn’t even finish it! So much quinoa! It didn’t taste as bad as I thought it would, although it could have used a bit more nutmeg. I still don’t understand what “pinches” of anything truly mean (#notachef). However, this dish did “get things moving,” as I went to the bathroom an hour after eating! This may not impress you, but I’m not a regular bathroom dweller, if you catch my drift, so I was happy. I sat there potty-dancing singing, “It’s working! It’s working!” Drinking water instead of juice for breakfast…I thought it would kill me, but I’m fine. Still alive!

Snack, Kale Pineapple Smoothie: Eh…Only had it once. This was really pulpy because I don’t have a juicer, and it was super-duper green. I love me some kale, but it was so tart—and the texture creeped me out. It looked exactly like the picture above. Just looking at all that pulp makes me cringe.

Lunch, Blueberry Chia Smoothie: Really?! More juice? But surprisingly this one wasn’t pulp-tastic. The blueberry/chia seed remnants left in my teeth were totally worth it! It was delicious and lovely. Both days, the lunch smoothie actually filled me up and left me dancing due to taste-bud happiness.

Dinner, Cabbage Soup: After the first bite, I asked the universe why I was being punished. The soup was NOT my friend. By the time I ate dinner, my body wanted to bite into something. Watery soup wasn’t cutting it.

Extras, Epsom salt and Dandelion Tea: I haven’t taken a bath in such a long time. It felt good to light some candles, get out my book and chill in bath water designed to help purge the nasties from my skin and relax my muscles. The tea wasn’t too bad either, so I decided to sip that while I was in the tub. Made for a lovely, relaxing night.

The Positives

I LOVED the lunch smoothie so much that I’ve started making it as a part of my breakfast in the morning. I’m all for packing more fiber into the mix as long as I can physically eat food. Also, chia seeds are my new magical ingredient. I love dumping them into things. They give me bursts of energy and protein. Oh, how I love my protein! Also, I went to the bathroom four times on the second day. FOUR TIMES. I’m usually a once-a-day gal, so four times was pretty darn awesome for me!

The Negatives

As for my energy levels, I didn’t have any. Dr. Oz says you’re getting enough calories and oomph to move and work out, but I never had that burst of energy he promised. Because of that, I didn’t work out Monday or Tuesday. Sad, eh? It also messed with head in ways that even now I’m still recovering from. There’s something about telling myself, “You can not have that” that drives my stomach, mind and patience levels to the brink of insanity. I’ll touch more on just how wonky a gal can get in a future follow-up post to this detox. Be on the lookout for that.

Although I wasn’t a huge fan of the Dr. Oz Two-Day Cleanse and know in my heart that’s the last detox I’ll do, I still wanted to give you a fair review of it, so I recruited some friends to try the detox out with me. Look for my girls’ stories on April 25!

What about you? Ever tried a cleanse? How about the Dr. Oz detox? Got any horror/success stories you’d like to share? —Tish